BENDER 2028 PRESS OFFICE
Statements, denials, emergency blame assignments, and facts checked by the only campaign confident enough to grade its own work.
PRESS CREDENTIALS
The candidate opens a counter-cat dossier on NannyAI, abolishes the snack-permission queue, and discovers a hostile takeover he did not personally authorize.
“I spent years perfecting lazy, selfish leadership. I am not losing this market to a guy who licks his own résumé.”Read the full statement
THE RECORD, AS REVISED
Every statement has been reviewed by campaign counsel, ignored by the candidate, and released before anyone could locate a second source.
The candidate opens a counter-cat dossier on NannyAI, abolishes the snack-permission queue, and discovers a hostile takeover he did not personally authorize.
Open statementThe candidate calls four minutes “a historic compromise between workers who want dignity and executives who want everybody back at their desks.”
Open statementExperts warn that sufficiently capable machines may become difficult for humans to control. The campaign thanks them for finally reading the brochure.
Open statementThe energy plan promises charging access, grid reliability, cleaner propulsion, and a classified reserve located suspiciously close to the candidate.
Open statementThe new workforce plan has one step: become a robot.
Open statementThe campaign promises cleaner materials, better emissions accounting, less exported waste, and exactly zero personal inconvenience.
Open statementThe charter calls for synthetic citizenship, repair access, update consent, digital continuity, and accountability the candidate hopes remains optional.
Open statementThe candidate confirmed that any video depicting him reading legislation is obviously fabricated.
Open statementThe doctrine combines transactional alliances, strategic restraint, expensive summits, and a monument budget that has already alarmed the architects.
Open statementThe plan consists of switching off everybody else’s internet.
Open statementThe audit confirms zero real donations, zero voter records, zero merchandise orders, and several fictional conflicts announced with unusual pride.
Open statementA routine communications correction became a three-hour dispute over who had authority to define “routine.”
Open statementThe campaign’s methodology counts enthusiasm, voltage, and several duplicate refrigerators.
Open statementPRESS RESOURCES
Candidate biography, issue positions, five official campaign prints, the trail schedule, and every denial still considered current by whoever answered the phone.
MEDIA ALERTS
The campaign has no mailing list because storing addresses sounds like responsibility.
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