New New York Rally
Madison Cube Garden
Featuring one podium, three teleprompters, and a speech that has not survived legal review.
“Doors open whenever the candidate wakes up.”
ON THE ROAD, AGAINST ADVICE
The Campaign Trail
Bender is taking the campaign directly to robots, appliances, manufacturing equipment, and any venue willing to waive the deposit.
Schedule subject to naps, charging availability, and sudden improvements to the buffet.
UPCOMING EVENTS
Doors open when the candidate wakes up.
The route prioritizes factory floors, appliance caucuses, available podiums, and cities where the campaign still has hotel points.
Robot Arms Manufacturing Plant Visit
Flex-O-Matic Industrial Park
The candidate will demonstrate his commitment to domestic manufacturing by taking credit for an assembly line built before he arrived.
“Closed press. Open bar.”
Town Hall With Undecided Appliances
Municipal Charging Annex
Questions will be prescreened for voltage, loyalty, and the possibility of making the candidate look informed.
“Microwaves, refrigerators, and one suspicious toaster.”
Presidential Debate Watch Party
The Unlicensed Broadcast Center
The campaign will provide live fact-checking by changing the facts until they match the answer.
“Bender will attend if winning can be guaranteed in advance.”
National Convention of Machines That Resent Their Owners
Servo Hall
Delegates will nominate Bender by unanimous acclaim after all competing nominees experience maintenance issues.
“Credentials required. Resentment provided.”
THE ROAD TO VICTORY
A national strategy drawn on the back of a bar receipt.
The campaign is targeting five crucial constituencies: machines with grievances, appliances with outlets, factories with cameras, venues with open tabs, and humans too confused to leave.
- Manufacturing tour scheduled during every shift except the candidate’s.
- Town halls limited to questions that improve the answer.
- Debate appearances contingent on advance certification of victory.
- Campaign bus replaced with a vehicle that has fewer rules.
FROM THE TRAIL
Past events, revised after the fact.
Post-event summaries are published only after staff determine which version makes Bender look least absent.
Milwaukee, WI
Union of Overworked Toasters Convention
The endorsement vote ended in a tie between Bender and “leave us unplugged.”
Post-event: candidate promised a crumb-free future, then left crumbs.
Cape Canaveral, FL
Space Coast Launchpad Photo Opportunity
Bender called space exploration “essential” after learning the press area had complimentary beverages.
Post-event: candidate departed before launch to avoid traffic and responsibility.
Des Moines, IA
Midwest Corn Processor Roundtable
The candidate praised agricultural automation and asked whether corn could be fermented before answering follow-up questions.
Post-event: microphone missing; investigation ongoing.
BRING BENDER TO YOUR TOWN
Request an event that will never be scheduled.
The campaign accepts no venue details, addresses, contact information, or scheduling responsibility.
