FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
NEW NEW YORK — The campaign demanded an immediate investigation into manipulated media showing Bender arriving on time, declining a bribe, and completing a full sentence about public policy.
Digital-forensics experts retained by the campaign found the videos suspicious because the candidate appears to understand the material. A second review was canceled after staff realized it might produce written findings.
Bender pledged to establish a federal authenticity standard under which any flattering footage is presumed real and any footage involving paperwork is presumed malicious.
“My misconduct is authentic. I will not let synthetic media take credit for it.”
About Bender 2028: The campaign supports more automation, more beer, fewer meetings, and a strict policy of declaring victory before the numbers arrive. Same planet. Better management.
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