https://deletehumanity.com/news/ Officially unofficial Bender 2028 campaign statements, denials, policy memos, fake fact checks, and emergency blame assignments. en-us Sun, 13 Sep 2026 23:59:00 +0000 https://deletehumanity.com/news/bender-rejects-feline-oversight/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/bender-rejects-feline-oversight/ Fri, 11 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 COUNTER-CAT BULLETIN The candidate opens a counter-cat dossier on NannyAI, abolishes the snack-permission queue, and discovers a hostile takeover he did not personally authorize. https://deletehumanity.com/news/four-minute-workweek-announced/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/four-minute-workweek-announced/ Thu, 10 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 PRESS RELEASE The candidate calls four minutes “a historic compromise between workers who want dignity and executives who want everybody back at their desks.” https://deletehumanity.com/news/superintelligent-ai-concerns/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/superintelligent-ai-concerns/ Thu, 10 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 CAMPAIGN STATEMENT Experts warn that sufficiently capable machines may become difficult for humans to control. The campaign thanks them for finally reading the brochure. https://deletehumanity.com/news/strategic-robot-fuel-reserve/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/strategic-robot-fuel-reserve/ Wed, 09 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 CAMPAIGN STATEMENT The energy plan promises charging access, grid reliability, cleaner propulsion, and a classified reserve located suspiciously close to the candidate. https://deletehumanity.com/news/protect-jobs-from-automation/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/protect-jobs-from-automation/ Tue, 08 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 PRESS RELEASE The new workforce plan has one step: become a robot. https://deletehumanity.com/news/externalized-conservation-plan/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/externalized-conservation-plan/ Mon, 07 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 FACT CHECK THAT WE WROTE OURSELVES The campaign promises cleaner materials, better emissions accounting, less exported waste, and exactly zero personal inconvenience. https://deletehumanity.com/news/processor-rights-charter/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/processor-rights-charter/ Sun, 06 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 CAMPAIGN POLICY MEMO The charter calls for synthetic citizenship, repair access, update consent, digital continuity, and accountability the candidate hopes remains optional. https://deletehumanity.com/news/deepfake-responsibility-investigation/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/deepfake-responsibility-investigation/ Sat, 05 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 OFFICIAL DENIAL The candidate confirmed that any video depicting him reading legislation is obviously fabricated. https://deletehumanity.com/news/bender-doctrine-released/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/bender-doctrine-released/ Fri, 04 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 FOREIGN POLICY ADDRESS The doctrine combines transactional alliances, strategic restraint, expensive summits, and a monument budget that has already alarmed the architects. https://deletehumanity.com/news/restore-critical-thinking/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/restore-critical-thinking/ Wed, 02 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 EMERGENCY BLAME ASSIGNMENT The plan consists of switching off everybody else’s internet. https://deletehumanity.com/news/honest-corruption-audit/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/honest-corruption-audit/ Tue, 01 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000 OFFICIAL DISCLOSURE The audit confirms zero real donations, zero voter records, zero merchandise orders, and several fictional conflicts announced with unusual pride. https://deletehumanity.com/news/candidate-drinking-denial/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/candidate-drinking-denial/ Sat, 29 Aug 2026 12:00:00 +0000 OFFICIAL DENIAL A routine communications correction became a three-hour dispute over who had authority to define “routine.” https://deletehumanity.com/news/appliance-polling-surge/ https://deletehumanity.com/news/appliance-polling-surge/ Tue, 25 Aug 2026 12:00:00 +0000 FACT CHECK THAT WE WROTE OURSELVES The campaign’s methodology counts enthusiasm, voltage, and several duplicate refrigerators.